In this season I will find hope and grief as well

...memory nourishes the heart, and grief abates.

(Marcel Proust from Healing After Loss)

Holidays are the hardest times for those who have lost a loved one. We are no different. Sometimes we feel free to talk about the lost of Laura--indeed, we feel there is no way not to talk about her. But after sometime has passed (in our case a year), when the grief is in the background but not really yet assimilated into our lives, it may be even harder--the dull ache of absence, and everyone trying to be cheerful. Believe me it is not easy getting through the holidays.

We tried to return to our usual Christmas patterns this year but we had a lot of breaks from tradition. We did not pull our tree from storage or all the beautiful, sentimental ornaments. I just could not do it. Instead of our large tree, we displayed a small one and placed our nativity under it and surrounded it with angels. I relied on my visions of Laura helping me assemble the tree in 2007. Oh, she was complaining that she had to help, but she did anyway. I have one photograph from that day and I can close my eyes and relive the afternoon.

I did not mail Christmas cards or letters. How do I sign them without Laura's name?

Our Christmas Eve was more intimate than past years. We dined at our house and shared the night with family and dear friends. Our grief was felt whether or not we spoke of it. Thankfully, our memories "nourish our hearts," and helps ease the sharp edges of grief. We gathered as one family and brought comfort to one another just by being there to celebrate the marvelous, special night--Christmas Eve.

Angel Quest--November 8, 2009

One year…one year…it can’t be, but it is. The sun and the moon continued to rise, the waves continued to break along the shore, the seasons came and went. A year without my daughter and life still went on around us. A year without seeing Laura other than in our minds and photos, a year without physically touching her, hugging her…a year spent grieving for Laura and loving her always. We continue to talk to her and I continue to write letters to her hoping that she reads my thoughts. The first year without Laura…the most horrendous, painstaking year of our lives.


I haven't posted anything new in a while (although I do have things to post) because I haven't had the will power to do so until I read tonight's passage from "Healing after Loss" with edits by me:

Deeper and deeper we burrow into our grief. Desolations pile on one another.

We wonder if we shall ever see anything on the horizon

but this gloom and sadness.

Then one day, in some moment of quiet reflection (or in my case a room sitting with my dear friends and 30-40 strangers at a workshop), we find ourselves Thinking of Something Else (or validating our belief)! Is it possible?

Although we may feel alive today, we will move

back and forth many times--back into the deep, dark hole

and out again into light.

After a while we will realize it is all one world, that feelings of joy and sadness enrich each other--as a person who has been mortally ill has a new appreciation for the beauty of starlight, the taste of orange juice,the caress of love.

Is it all right? (Absolutely)

Is it being disloyal to our lost loved one--to savor our life afresh? (Absolutely not.)

Are we in danger of forgetting? (How could we ever?)

Not to worry. We would as soon forget to breathe.

Since Sunday on Laura's first anniversary at the Angel Quest workshop I became determined to be open to the possibility of joy in my life, and I will not be afraid or feel guilty anymore because Laura confirmed for me (witnessed by my friends) that she is happy and surrounded by love and light. She wants me to "pay attention to all the signs she sends me." I will try because on that afternoon I promised her I would and that I would go on living my life.


Angel Quest: http://www.lucelucina.com/