Holidays are the hardest times for those who have lost a loved one. We are no different. Sometimes we feel free to talk about the lost of Laura--indeed, we feel there is no way not to talk about her. But after sometime has passed (in our case a year), when the grief is in the background but not really yet assimilated into our lives, it may be even harder--the dull ache of absence, and everyone trying to be cheerful. Believe me it is not easy getting through the holidays.
We tried to return to our usual Christmas patterns this year but we had a lot of breaks from tradition. We did not pull our tree from storage or all the beautiful, sentimental ornaments. I just could not do it. Instead of our large tree, we displayed a small one and placed our nativity under it and surrounded it with angels. I relied on my visions of Laura helping me assemble the tree in 2007. Oh, she was complaining that she had to help, but she did anyway. I have one photograph from that day and I can close my eyes and relive the afternoon.
I did not mail Christmas cards or letters. How do I sign them without Laura's name?
Our Christmas Eve was more intimate than past years. We dined at our house and shared the night with family and dear friends. Our grief was felt whether or not we spoke of it. Thankfully, our memories "nourish our hearts," and helps ease the sharp edges of grief. We gathered as one family and brought comfort to one another just by being there to celebrate the marvelous, special night--Christmas Eve.
March 10, 2009 - March 30, 2009
Tonight I started my grief assignment. I am suppose to write five things that I am grateful for in my life. I was certain it would not be a numbered list created in a few minutes. I know myself—I knew once I started putting my fingers on the keyboard the words and thoughts would pour out of me.
Happiness and contentment starts with gratitude. Gratefulness is the attribute of being grateful and appreciative for what surrounds us—what we already have in our lives. Gratefulness can change how we feel. If given a chance, it can help melt our hardships and help us to heal. It can bring contentment and peace when times are overwhelming. Peace is something I have been striving for over the past years. I am sorry that Laura is not here to experience the peace with me but I am grateful for having Laura in my life. Even though, it was a short twenty-five years, I will forever be grateful to God for my daughter.
The first and most important item on my grateful list concerns the special people in my life. I am grateful for my family, even though it is a small one. I love and treasure them all. Each person is so very different. Each one is a part of my life and I am glad I have them to share this life journey with.
My Family:
My husband and number one best friend
My son, who I love unconditionally and am very proud of
My daughter, who will live in my heart for eternity
My precious pup (I am grateful to Laura for her perseverance to have a dog)
My daughter-in-law who I adore and am thrilled that she is my son’s wife
Jackson and Louie, the very best grandpups
My niece and Godchild, who I love to pieces and who will always have a special place in my heart.
My sister and friend, the only one who I can share my history with because she was there for a large part of it. I am also thankful that she shares her grandchildren with me.
My great nephew, my number 1A boy (my son is my number 1 boy)
My great niece and Laura’s love
My brother who never ceases to make me laugh
My nephew who isn’t in my life much although I would like him to be
My cousin, who is the best cousin anyone could wish for
My exceptional girlfriends:
I am lucky because I have many companions in my life's journey. Some have been with me longer than others. I am grateful for my friends--old and new. All are loved and appreciated. My friends are amazing. They are totally unique, trustworthy, caring, loving, strong, and faithful. Without them I would still be in bed with the blankets over my head:
Pat, my loving, passionate, and sentimental friend who is a sister to me. Pat is truly an individual who marches to her own drum.
Joan, my realistic and no-nonsense friend who I can always count on for the truth and support. I know without a doubt she will always be part of our lives.
Barbara, my funny, dependable, and straightforward girlfriend, who I spend my time laughing with over everything and nothing. Together we can find humor in anything. Laughing is our thing.
Monica, my faithful friend, who reminds me of God's love and helps me see His ways. She is always there to cheer me on.
Judy, my earth angel, who pulled me through my intense grief over Laura’s death. God gave her special comforting abilities and spiritual understanding.
Mary, my calm and kind friend, who cares and listens to me. Time away can't keep us apart, because we are always in each other's heart. Our relationship grew out of our children's friendships.
And my newest friends, Ursula, Lorraine, Mary, Terry, Paula (aka my one a day multiple vitamin), and Joan. They have been good friends who are always willing to listen to me talk about the same subject over and over again.
Of course, I have to mention my colleagues at CU. I am grateful for their concern and kind words.
I am grateful that my husband was so persistent in 1969. He never gave up on me no matter what crazy excuse I gave him not to go out with him. He finally won and I gave in during Memorial Day weekend May 1970; we went to the movies to see Bob, Ted, Carol, and Alice and that was the beginning of our story. He became my very best friend and husband. We have grown up side by side, nurtured two children, celebrated life, conquered illnesses, and suffered the ultimate tragedy together. Fortunately, we have experienced more good times than bad and God willing we will continue to be together for a very long time.
I am thankful that we brought my son and daughter into this world. I always felt it a privilege to be their mother. The best years of my life were spent raising them. It was a blessing sharing their lives, being responsible for them, and watching them spread their wings.
When I was pregnant with Laura I wanted another baby boy because I loved my son so very much. He was a delightful child and I was the happiest mother alive. I remember being worried because I couldn’t imagine having enough love inside me to share with another child. It is a funny thing about love though, the more you have the more your heart can give away. Instead of a boy, God delivered us a girl. A beautiful, blue-eyed daughter who challenged us from the minute she was born until the day she became one of God’s angels.
Now that I am reminiscing and creating this grateful list, I can see that God must have really trusted the two of us. He knew Laura’s destiny and he chose us to be her parents. We did our best to keep her healthy and happy, but it just wasn’t in the cards. Our hearts broke continuously watching her suffer from asthma and a countless number of health problems. We were always there for her. When she was small, we never left her alone in the hospital except for once. We left her for a few hours to go to a Yankee game. I remember that day because I can still see the blood pool on the floor when we returned to her room. From then on, I took the day shifts and her daddy took the night shifts. Right up to last August 2008, we were there for her in the emergency room. Our hearts breaking while we were watching her struggle for every breath and our ears listening to her promising us she would be okay.
Laura is our daughter and will always be, but she is also God’s child and her own spirit. He knew that we were strong enough to handle the heartbreak—the constant rollercoaster that Laura took us on. I am sorry that we couldn’t save her but not sorry that we took the ride with her. I would do it all again if I could have her back with us.
