Repurposed from my Facebook feed. 

 This is exactly how I feel about my daughter, Laura Elizabeth. 

Rambling...

Picture is repurposed from my Facebook feed. 

I talk to anyone who asks me about my adult child, and I will continue to talk about Laura every opportunity I get. She was an awesome person. Laura had the kindest and largest heart. Her laugh was contagious. She idolized her brother. She would have been over the moon about her niece. When she loved someone, that love was overflowing. She was a very loyal friend, sometimes to her detriment. She was an old soul in a young body. She loved animals, especially dogs. Her favorite color was purple. She loved to talk! I can go on and on. My daughter was a caring and gentle person, who left this earth way too early. 

 November 8 will be 16 years since my sweet daughter passed away. November 7, 2008, was the last time I spoke with her. I have been saving voice messages from Laura for nearly 16 years and I will continue to do so. Some days it is hard to hear her voice knowing I can't respond and other days it fills my heart with joy just to hear her call me "Ma." I am blessed that I had the inclination to keep saving the messages before the service carrier would delete them. 

The adage, "Time heals all wounds "doesn't really express the truth. Time can NOT change the deepest heartache a mother feels when her child dies. The void and longing are always present no matter how many years pass by. I will admit the wound slightly changes somehow over time so that you can move forward and learn to live without your precious child. 

Laura, you are loved and missed deeply. 

 

“The loss is immeasurable, and so is the love.” -

Susan Berté

November 8 is approaching, the most horrific day of my life. I don't think grief will ever end because I will never stop loving and missing my girl. It is going to be 16 years that I have been living without my daughter and still there is NOT a day that goes by that I don't think of her. I say good morning and good night every day. Some days I still hold one-sided conversations with Laura. I make sure she hears me when I am delighted spending time with Emma, my granddaughter. Laura would have been over the moon if she was here when Emma was born. I have missed sharing so many experiences with my daughter.

Photograph repurposed from my Facebook feed. Power of Positivity

Keep your mind and hearts open...

 Today turned out to be a special day. We planned to clean up Laura's and other family members' grave sites today, which entails pulling out the marigolds and planting mums.  We woke to a cloudy day and soon a raining one. My husband wanted to postpone the trip, but I stood my ground, and we headed out in the rain. 

We arrived at the cemetery, and it was still raining. Surprisingly, the marigolds were still thriving beautifully! It broke my heart to pull and discard them. I knew it would be a little messy working in the rain.  As soon as we gathered our tools from the trunk and headed toward the graves the rain stopped. I was grateful. We replaced the marigolds with mums, walked over to the garbage can with all the trash and back to say our goodbye to Laura before departing.  Just as we entered the car the rain came pouring down. We were once again in awe. 

Later we found ourselves in Shoprite. The number at the deli counter was 61; I pulled a ticket, and it was number 83 (Laura's birth year). I silently thanked her for letting me know she was clearly with us today.

 Be patience with yourself. A new you is emerging.

Faith, Hope, & Love

This beautiful message is reprinted with permission from Jo Ann Mummert Meinhart. Jo Ann posted her message in the hope it resonates with others who have lost a beloved spouse. Her inspiring words lets you know there is hope after loss and healing.

In memory of Ron Meinhart

January 11, 1949-September 22,2014

Living through Loss

Written by Jo Ann Meinhart

This September 22nd will be 10 years since your passing.
On that day our dreams shattered, and I was left alone.

For years the loss of you felt like a sword in my heart.
The loss today has morphed to rehearsing good memories of our time together.

It’s been ten short, long years since you’ve been gone.

Short because it seems like yesterday we parted.
And long because of the many changes I needed to make over these 10 years.

Learning to make decisions and do for myself has made me stronger. I am still learning.

For 43 years together we lived by integrity, practiced generosity and learned wisdom.
I treasure these traits and live by them every day. It makes me feel closer to you.

I am so aware that I am the final reflection and a continuance of us to our family and friends.

At first loss it felt like a burden, but now I know it serves in keeping your memory alive.

Hardships and hospital stays inevitably came. I wished you could give advice and be by my side.

During those times, I learned to find you in a different way.
I’d hear a song, or a hospital worker would speak kindly.

Advice came in so many unique ways…and I learned to hear the still small voice.

God has given me peace. It isn’t a surface feeling it’s a deep assurance inside.

All is well with us both. You, in heaven and me here.
I never thought I’d be able to attain peace without you.
I’ve had to trust in God’s presence and care in every way.

How did I go from tremendous grief to acceptance and joy?

I found something each day to be grateful for. In the beginning it was hard work.

Gradually gratitude grew and served to drown my pain.
Sometimes gratitude came with just being with others who shared the same loss…

Gratitude was my nourishment, and I became more aware of sadness’s attempt to ambush.

Grief is a slow process not to be short circuited. I grieved deeply because I loved deeply.

So, soulmate of my heart… you are in my thoughts this September.
As our parting date approaches, I want you to know…
I’m good. I’m okay. I will always love you.

“And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.”
I Corinthians 13:1

 I miss my daughter every single day of my life. I wake up in the morning and say "good morning "to my precious daughter and every night I look at her picture and I have a one-sided conversation with her before going to sleep. I will miss her until I meet her again. 

Books that helped me...

 

Many years ago, when I created the blog, I listed books that brought me comfort and a different view of death. When I was finally able to function after Laura's sudden death, I strived to read everything I could about losing a child.  My books became my friends. Some of them I read over and over. My human friends were not capable of understanding me at the time, which was no fault of theirs. I would never want them to be insightful because if they did that would mean they too suffered a tremendous loss.  No one can understand the pain of saying goodbye to a child unless they had to do so. 

I am in the process of sorting through the books (my dear old friends) because now my vision is impaired, and I can't read the actual books anymore.  I will not discard them!  I am deciding which ones to donate and which ones I still want to hold onto for a while longer. They mean that much to me. 

The list appears at the foot of the blog, way down the page. While sorting I thought I would take the time to repost the list. I am positive there are many new books on the subject since 2008 but there is always comfort in the old too. 

I am grateful for words that heal...

• Comfort: A Journey through Grief, Ann Hood
• Healing after Loss, Martha Whitmore Hickman
• http://www.lucelucina.com
• http://www.theshackbook.com/
• I Wasn't Ready to Say Goodbye: Surviving, Coping and Healing After the Sudden Death of a Loved One, Pamela Blair
• Journey of Souls, Michael Newton
• Our Children, Our Hearts, Emily Laitmon
• Saved by the Light, Brinkley, Dannion
• Signs from Above, Doreen Virtue & Charles Vitrue
• The Climb by Miley Cyrus http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NG2zyeVRcbs
• This Thing Called Grief: New Understanding of Loss, Thomas M Ellis
• Unfinished Business, James Van Praagh
• When the Bough Breaks: Forever after the death of a son or daughter, Judith R. Bernstein

 

 Laura, these last few days you have been in my thoughts a lot more than usual.  I was talking to a young woman at the deli counter today and even though she didn't look like you she made me think about you intensely. She was outgoing, happy, polite to the counter person and joking with him. I just kept thinking about you while I was witnessing the exchange. Her personality was so much like you, my sweet daughter.  

 Repurposed from my Facebook feed. 

Karen is the real deal.  I know through experiences 

Missing my Sierra girl

 

 f I could have just one more day with you….......

I would hardly speak. I would simply listen to your voice and commit every tone of it to memory until it became my favorite melody.

I would look at you. I would study your eyes and your mouth, and I would learn every angle, every pane of your face until I could see you perfectly with my eyes closed.

I would hold your hand in mine. I would trace all the lines on your palm until they became a trail – a map - that I could retrace on my own palm every time I felt lost.

I would soak you up and breathe you in until there was not a single thing that I could not recall at a moment’s notice.

But more than anything, if I had one more day with you,

I would hold you.

I would hold you so tight, hoping that maybe if I didn’t let you go…

You wouldn’t.

Yes, if I had just one more day with you, I would hope… I would hope so hard…

that you wouldn’t have to leave again.

Reposted from my Facebook page. Source: Love Cardinal

Sierra was my special angel

 Sierra never left my side during my darkest days. She was my best friend, and I miss her so much. Hopefully, she is with Laura. I can't imagine Heaven without dogs!

 Some days I am still struggling with my daughter's passing. It will be 16 years this November. I have to remind myself to live with what "is" and not wish for what "if."

Not just on your birthday...

 

Never any closure

 My daughter had plans to start a new job on the morning of November 9. She died during the night on November 8th at the age of 25.

Not esy to do!

 

Father's Day

 

Mother's Day came and went this year for me without the overpowering feeling of sadness. I say that because I spent the day, and many days after, sick in bed. I slept through the holiday but that doesn't mean I didn't think of my girl. My anxiety starts days before an event, such as Mother's Day.  I have to stop myself from focusing on the "what ifs."

Now Father's Day is approaching.  Since I am not a father, I really don't want to speak about emotions a grieving Dad will be going through on the day that many people will be celebrating their fathers.  

I found the text below from Sandy Fox's blog dated June 5, 2013. I thought the message was appropriate for me to post here to recognize grieving dads. 

 For the bereaved father, it is a poignant reminder of the bittersweet memory of a loved, now lost, child; bitter for the death and pain and recognition of the inability to stop what happened. Fathers do not often have a chance to share their hurts and concerns. Oftentimes, they are unable to do so.

Perhaps this Father’s Day should be a time when family members, whoever they are, give Dad a hug, do something special, help with the chores, and most of all, let him know how important, needed and loved he is.

I wish all the dads who are missing their sons and daughters a peaceful day filled with happy and loving memories. 

 

 

 

 When we are grieving this is all we ask of people. 

Comfort & Hope at Easter

No day is easy when you're missing your loved ones.  Holidays like Easter can make the grief feel fresh and overwhelming. Hopefully, these quotes can give you a bit of comfort as you navigate this difficult time.

• My heart aches to see you and hold you. But I take comfort in knowing you're celebrating Easter in Heaven.
• Easter gives me a hopeful reminder that I'll hold you in my arms again one day.
• One day we'll celebrate Easter in Heaven together, and that's what I'm holding onto today.
• The hope of seeing you again one day is what gives me the strength to go on.
• Easter gives me hope that even death cannot separate us.
• On Earth you gave me joy. In Heaven, you give me hope.
• The tears I shed today are half hope for eternity and half sadness at missing you in the present. 
• 
  

• Use these quotes to put your emotions into words and also to find the hope and comfort you might need on Easter as you're missing someone you love. From journaling on your own to sharing the quote with a family member who is also grieving, these words might bring a reminder of the very hope that Easter offers to everyone.

• Reprinted from www.loveknow.com

  
  

  
  

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It's hard when you miss people.

But you know, if you miss them it means you were lucky. 

It means you had someone special in your life, 

someone worth missing.

  

Love to Laura

Happy Valentine's Day to my angel, Laura

I am sending you all my love, loads of kisses, and lots of hugs, 

today and every day. I want you to know that you are missed 

so much by Dad and me.   My heart still has a huge hole in it, 

which will never heal until I see you again. Until that day, I will

keep looking for signs that you send me 

to let me know you are with me.   Keep being my shining star!

We will always think of you...

Remembering my niece, Cynthia. Today is her Heavenly anniversary. Cynthia, you are missed by so many. You will never be forgotten. I hope you are with your cousin and the two of you are having a blast with the rest of the family, especially Pop. You both loved him so much. 
 

 This is so true! I love for people to share their memories of my daughter. Especially during the holidays, when the absence of our daughter is intensified. It warms my heart so much to hear Laura's name spoken.

Her best friend, Michael.  never forgets to contact us for the holidays and reminds us that he will never forget his dear friend. A mother and father always want to keep their child’s memory alive.  Fifteen years later, Laura’s sweet, kind, and compassionate friend never forgets us! I hope he realizes how special he is to us.