In this season I will find hope and grief as well

...memory nourishes the heart, and grief abates.

(Marcel Proust from Healing After Loss)

Holidays are the hardest times for those who have lost a loved one. We are no different. Sometimes we feel free to talk about the lost of Laura--indeed, we feel there is no way not to talk about her. But after sometime has passed (in our case a year), when the grief is in the background but not really yet assimilated into our lives, it may be even harder--the dull ache of absence, and everyone trying to be cheerful. Believe me it is not easy getting through the holidays.

We tried to return to our usual Christmas patterns this year but we had a lot of breaks from tradition. We did not pull our tree from storage or all the beautiful, sentimental ornaments. I just could not do it. Instead of our large tree, we displayed a small one and placed our nativity under it and surrounded it with angels. I relied on my visions of Laura helping me assemble the tree in 2007. Oh, she was complaining that she had to help, but she did anyway. I have one photograph from that day and I can close my eyes and relive the afternoon.

I did not mail Christmas cards or letters. How do I sign them without Laura's name?

Our Christmas Eve was more intimate than past years. We dined at our house and shared the night with family and dear friends. Our grief was felt whether or not we spoke of it. Thankfully, our memories "nourish our hearts," and helps ease the sharp edges of grief. We gathered as one family and brought comfort to one another just by being there to celebrate the marvelous, special night--Christmas Eve.

Merry Christmas and Happy Hanukkah

I will be making a conscious effort to wish everyone a Merry Christmas this year. That doesn't mean I forgot my wonderful Jewish friends--to them I wish a very Happy Hanukkah.

Saying "Merry Christmas" is my way of celebrating and honoring the birth Of Jesus Christ.

I am asking my family and friends, if you agree with me, to please do the same.

Maybe we can prevent one more American tradition from being lost in the sea of"Political Correctness."

May the new year bring you lots of happiness and serenity. God Bless.

Thanksgiving Weekend 2009

We had a pleasant holiday dinner with my sister, brother, niece,
and great nephew and niece. We can’t say it was quiet because you
can never use that word when our little people (as Laura would call
them) are at the house! They are lively and loud little ones.

I finally had the courage to dismantle Laura’s bedroom. I am keeping
things that recall memories of her, such as photos, journals, books,
keepsakes, etc. I think it is best to keep items that have a use so
my memory is jolted when I see them and donate things that others
can use. The following sentence is from one of my bereavement
books: “Shrines have their place, but they are poor backgrounds for
life in the present moment.” I am trying to take this to heart but
it is difficult.

As you can imagine, it certainly wasn’t an easy thing to tackle her
bedroom. We kept her bed and moved it to the guest room along with
her vanity. I gave her friend one of her dressers and I kept the other
in the room for my use. I have been sorting through her clothes for
a while and filled 11 large garage bags for the Red Cross pickup
this month. I donated most of her coats to the coat drive at work
for people in the area. I know Laura would want people to make
use of her clothes. A lot of less fortunate people will be kept warm
this winter with her sweaters, sweatshirts, jeans, boots, sneakers, etc.

On a side note, a few years back, Laura came in contact with a
homeless man. She saw him a lot and befriended him. One day
she came home and said we had to gather some clothes to give to
him, so she and I went into her father’s closet and found
some items. Fred never missed the clothes we offered the man!
(Fred, sorry we kept it a secret!)

My brother and I painted Laura’s room with the color
“sweet serenity.” I keep asking her if she likes the color, so far
no response. I also plead with her to come and visit and let me
feel her presence in the room when I start working on my
quilting projects. I’ll keep you posted...

Lord, grant me the strength to change what can be changed,
the grace to accept what cannot be changed,
and the wisdom to know the one from the other.

Be Thankful...

Be thankful that you don't already have everything you desire.

If you did, what would there be to look forward to?

Be thankful when you don't know something,

for it gives you the opportunity to learn.

Be thankful for the difficult times.

During those times you grow.

Be thankful for your limitations,

because they give you opportunities for improvement.

Be thankful for each new challenge,

because it will build your strength and character.

Be thankful for your mistakes.

They will teach you valuable lessons.

Be thankful when you're tired and weary,

because it means you've made a difference.

It's easy to be thankful for the good things.

A life of rich fulfillment comes to those who

are also thankful for the setbacks.

Gratitude can turn a negative into a positive.

Find a way to be thankful for your troubles,

and they can become your blessings.

~Author Unknown~

Blessed Release

For all the times I've cried
When Laura's death hurt so badly
For me to hold inside.
Tears freely flood my face.
The tears, the ones I keep in check all day
Releases the ache that builds up.
The tears are as vital as breathing for me.
Thank you God for tears

Discussion, Q&A, and I, Alex Cross Book Signing

November 16, 2009
Another adventure for Barbara and me. We never know where we will find ourselves going! There were a lot of people at the book signing in Paramus (100 had folks had wrist bands so they got seats), the rest of us had to stand. The crowd didn't complain; there was a lot of time to talk and of course laugh at silly stuff.

I believe that is Barbara's thumb print in the corner. Hey, atleast she got us in the picture!

St Francis statue in dedication to Laura's memory

October 22, 2009

Our friends selected such a beautiful statue of St Francis. We want to offer our sincere heart-felt thanks to them. They made it happen! Sr. Madeline planned the wonderful dedication ceremony. She invited the school children to sing, “Prayer of St. Francis,” in Colon Hall and it brought back so many enjoyable memories. We have so many from the years David and Laura spent there. During the ceremony I visualized Laura looking down and smiling on all of us.

We are so appreciative that the statue will live in Transfiguration Academy in Laura’s memory. (We will always remember it fondly as St. John’s school.) The statue is in a perfect spot--a corner where the students will be able to see him daily.

Angel Quest--November 8, 2009

One year…one year…it can’t be, but it is. The sun and the moon continued to rise, the waves continued to break along the shore, the seasons came and went. A year without my daughter and life still went on around us. A year without seeing Laura other than in our minds and photos, a year without physically touching her, hugging her…a year spent grieving for Laura and loving her always. We continue to talk to her and I continue to write letters to her hoping that she reads my thoughts. The first year without Laura…the most horrendous, painstaking year of our lives.


I haven't posted anything new in a while (although I do have things to post) because I haven't had the will power to do so until I read tonight's passage from "Healing after Loss" with edits by me:

Deeper and deeper we burrow into our grief. Desolations pile on one another.

We wonder if we shall ever see anything on the horizon

but this gloom and sadness.

Then one day, in some moment of quiet reflection (or in my case a room sitting with my dear friends and 30-40 strangers at a workshop), we find ourselves Thinking of Something Else (or validating our belief)! Is it possible?

Although we may feel alive today, we will move

back and forth many times--back into the deep, dark hole

and out again into light.

After a while we will realize it is all one world, that feelings of joy and sadness enrich each other--as a person who has been mortally ill has a new appreciation for the beauty of starlight, the taste of orange juice,the caress of love.

Is it all right? (Absolutely)

Is it being disloyal to our lost loved one--to savor our life afresh? (Absolutely not.)

Are we in danger of forgetting? (How could we ever?)

Not to worry. We would as soon forget to breathe.

Since Sunday on Laura's first anniversary at the Angel Quest workshop I became determined to be open to the possibility of joy in my life, and I will not be afraid or feel guilty anymore because Laura confirmed for me (witnessed by my friends) that she is happy and surrounded by love and light. She wants me to "pay attention to all the signs she sends me." I will try because on that afternoon I promised her I would and that I would go on living my life.


Angel Quest: http://www.lucelucina.com/

Praying Mantis coincidence?

Is it a coincidence? Or could it be the same praying mantis (she looks the same size)? Let's see, the other day I transported the praying mantis in my car to New York and released her in the parking lot. Did she hitch a ride back to Jersey via my car? If so, did she travel from my car to my friend's car (a few houses away) and wind up in Virginia where my friend took these pictures? (photos by BD)

praying mantises

A colloquial name for the order is "praying mantises", because of the typical "prayer-like" stance, although the term is often mis-spelled as "preying mantis." The word mantis is Greek for "prophet" or "fortune teller."

Today I carpooled with a praying mantis. I adjusted my rearview mirror and was pleasantly surprised when I spotted the insect roaming slowly across the back window. She was long in length and very pretty. We drove to work together and then I took some pictures with my camera phone (I was disappointed that I didn’t have my camera with me). I carefully assisted the insect out of the car. It didn't take long for me to entice her to walk onto my hand. She must have enjoyed being there because I couldn’t remove her when I tried to place her in a bush. She gently started to crawl up my arm, but eventually I was able to persuade her to cling to a bush in the parking lot.

It was a great way to start the day!

Beautiful Girl

Kelly authored this wonderful poem about their days growing

up in Bergenfield and she really surprised us when she read it

at Laura's memorial birthday celebration. We have so many terrific

memories from the years we spent in Bergenfield.

It was one of our lucky days when Kelly's parents moved next door.

We have known Kelly and Renee since the day they were born;

soon after they became part of our extended family.

Kelly, I can't thank you enough for writing your thoughts

so beautifully. You truly captured Laura's spirit and triggered

so many great memories (including how much Renee

and Laura were at each other's throat one minute and the

next they were kissing and making up and promising

to stay friends forever). I will treasure this forever.

God bless you always.

(Please click on the poem)

My daughter, my friend

Today, I finally had time to visit "An Angels Touch Gift Shop" in Forked River. I have been wanting to stop in but never had the time, so after I was done working for the day I took a ride to the shop. I met gracious women in the store. Melinda & Liz were so welcoming that another customer and I stayed there for a couple of hours just talking! Both women shared some of their life experiences with us. I never did get the customer's name, but it doesn't matter. We were all there for a reason and it was well worth the trip.

While there, a customer came in looking for a unique gift for her friend who was moving. She asked us to help her and we did. She purchased a beautiful healing blanket. There are so many wonderful ones to choose. They are all handmade (and very soft) by a mom and her two daughters and blessed by a priest at St. Mary's. The family also prays the Rosary over each blanket before distributing them for sale.

I could not resist buying a beautiful angel which has a saying inscribed on the fold of her dress: My daughter, my friend. I am going to place it along side the angel that Laura bought me which has an endearing verse (I will post a picture and verse of the angel later).

Laura always put a lot of thought into her gifts, so when you received one from her you knew it was from her heart.

An Angels Touch Gift Shop

All Occasion Gifts

angelstouchall@gmail.com

Sunrise, Sunset

Sitting out here
Over looking the ocean
Watching the waves
As they crash upon the shore.
Wishing I could hearthat beautiful sound more.
The sunset providesAll the beautiful colors
Shining downOn the deep blue sea.
They combined so peacefully
As the bright colors fade away.
And dawn turns to dusk
Stars slowly emerge from the sky
And shine brightlyUpon you and I.
The moon providesIt's radiant light
Glowing beautifullyIn the night.
Soon the darkestIs overcome
By the sun once again.
And the deep dark sky develops into day
As the stars and moon diminish
As you start to see the sunray.

Laura

Laura & her little people

My sister presented this beautiful angel to me to place

by Laura's tree. The angel is perfect--she is dressed in the same color

that Laura wore as a bridesmaid in her brother's wedding party

and she is watching over her "little people" to protect them.

A love note from Mom & Dad

Messages of love

After the memorial was over, we wrote personal messages

to Laura and then released the balloons into the sky.

Up and away they all blew,

far into Heaven into Laura's reach.

Laura's corner

I created a Birthday collage of pictures from all Laura's birthdays.

I was lucky to find at least one for most of her 25 years.

The note cards were for anyone who wished to write

a memory of Laura. Thank you to all who did.

I loved reading your special stories.

Laura's uncle

Thanks to Laura's uncle for the gift of the air-brushed memory shirts.

Of course, the airbrushing is in purple.

In Laura's memory...

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace,

Where there is hatred, let me sow love;

where there is injury, pardon;

where there is doubt, faith;

where there is despair, hope;

where there is darkness, light;

where there is sadness, joy;
O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek

to be consoled as to console;

to be understood as to understand;

to be loved as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive;

it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;

and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.

Our dear friends took a generous collection to purchase this statue in Laura's memory, along with a plaque. The plan is to house him in the elementary school that Laura attended. We hope that wish comes true. They also presented us with a smaller replica to keep in our home. Our other friends donated a wonderful statue of St. Francis to the church, which will be placed in the parish garden in the fall.

We are forever grateful to all of you.

Laura's family & friends

Laura's brother & cousin
Uncle & great aunt

Cousins & friends

Cousins

Cousins

Friend & Dad

Sister-in-law & aunt
Aunt & the little people

He was afraid of the balloon release

so he watched through the screen.

Cousin

Cousin

Extended family

Cousin

Laura Bell's Mr & Mrs B

& our good friends

Cousin & friend

Aunt, cousin & friend

Cousins

Friend & Dad